Late last night I fell asleep reading the Failing New York Times on my iPad here in Alexandria, Virginia.
To my surprise, though a time warp and other inexplicable phenomena, I awoke in a spare bedroom in the former Trump White House. I say “former” for a reason. The time was the mid-2020s. And the White House, as I would soon discover, was instead a 100-story palace with TRUMP signs all over the facade.
My iPad was gone. King Donald never had liked the lefties in Silicon Valley or the independent press. Instead of an iPad, I could now read from a paper copy of Breitbart, the official publication of the United Kingdom of Trumpia.
No more fake news, just government-certified truth. No one ever pestered the King about his tax returns—it no longer mattered. L’Etat, c’est moi.
Reading between the lines of Breitbart, I got an inkling of what had happened. The Trumps and friends had trashed our creaky old Constitution some years ago. What a barrier to getting things done! Who needed checks and balances? Forget about jeremiads from the Founding Fathers. America instead needed a robust, manly monarchy. Donald Trump had once called himself the King of Debt; now he was simply King.
Under King Donald, Queen Ivanka and Prince Jared, every baby in the United Kingdom of Trumpia was born owing many thousands of dollars in advance payments to the King’s family and his billionaire courtiers.
Coal mine-based theme parks, however, provided gainful employment for millions of the King’s commoners. They loved to ride the pit railways into the dim, dusty tunnels and dig up real coal. With diversions like that, they could die contentedly in their 50s without health insurance, knowing they had still lived full lives in their time on earth and under it.
King Donald grew to love coal so much that he ordered the beheading of all commoners caught using solar or wind power. Exceptions were made for the nobility. They could get away with mere waterboarding.
Determined not to pamper Washington any longer, King Donald had torn down most of the office buildings and non-Trump-related monuments to make room for towering casinos for the minority of Trumpians bored with shoveling coal.
It didn’t matter if they couldn’t afford to gamble. King Donald’s people just added to their existing debts.
Even in this paradise, some courtiers still worried—about, for example, climate change. Having drained the swamp, did King Donald really want Washington flooded anew?
But then the wise King truly solved the climate challenge, signing a royal proclamation to replace the White Office of Science and Technology Policy with the White House Office of Magic and Mysticism, run by a distant relative, Merlin Trump. With one majestic, all-encompassing spell, Merlin ended the problem.
For good measure, he instantly willed into existence an anti-Mexican Wall without adding a penny to the national debt.
Illegal aliens no longer threatened us. The King replaced them all with leggy, legal aliens brought in from Eastern Europe to serve in the royal brothel.
Even African-Americans born in the former United States were stripped of citizenship and deported—becoming simply Africans, not Americans or Trumpians—whether or not the King’s friends caught them burning our dear country’s flags.
Isn’t the new United Kingdom of Trumpia terrific?
Now that history has vindicated King Donald, as irrefutably shown in the documentaries of Steve Bannon, I’m recanting all my past lies and heresies.
As usual, we Fake Newsers screwed up the facts. Our beloved King did not want to return to the 1950s or even the 1920s to make us great again. Wrong! Off by 800 or 900 years.
Image source: The picture of Merlin is from The Nuremberg Chronicle, one of the earliest printed books. Still, I don’t see why we should bother with this or any other kind of history or culture. You feel bored, just dig coal or check out the newest Ivanka-branded casino.