HELL—Fresh from his summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, President Donald Trump has negotiated a historic agreement with Satan.
Under the deal, Satan will not lay claims on the souls of EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt, Occupational Health and Safety Administration acting head Loren Sweatt, immigrant hater Jeff Sessions, consumer financial protection foe Mick Mulvaney or any other Trump Administration member who normally would end up down here.
“It’s a little like the pardons we’re considering for certain of the President’s people,” said an Administration insider. “No matter how many Americans die of cancer, perish in industrial accidents, endure forced separation from their families or go bankrupt due to lax financial regulations, there’s not a chance in Hell his appointees will suffer in the afterlife for their behavior. The contemplated pardons could help some out legally. Now our pact with the Devil breaks new ground, in expanding protections to other areas.
“Pruitt will be freer than ever to be Pruitt, and so on. Best of all, the pact covers Trump himself. More than ever, Trump can be Trump.”
The President beamed, amid tall flames and burning sulfur, as the ceremony took place.
In deference to the image-conscious President and to help the Fox News audience feel more comfortable, Satan wore a stylish hat over his horns. A well-tailored business suit artfully concealed his tail.
No mention was made of Satan’s human rights violations.
“We enjoy an excellent relationship,” President Trump said. “So much in common.”
“I reached out to President Trump before the election,” Satan told reporters. “The Access Hollywood tapes told me everything I needed to know.”
Asked if the pact might alienate rural evangelicals who make up so much of Trump’s following, a White House source said, “Many. But for many more, just the opposite. The pact is a genuine victory for patriotic racists and xenophobes interested in full-scale voters suppression, immigration crackdowns and Aryan purity in general. Satan will help us make white America great again.”
While President Trump normally disdains a multilateral approach, he expressed hope that future Satanic negotiations could be expanded to include Vladimir Putin and even Kim Jong Un, who, for diplomatic purposes, would be regarded as an honorary Caucasian.